I’ve always been quick to anger, impatient, and immediately forgiving. This is an interesting combination and, for better and for worse, a lot like my father. (I’m not going to riff on that observation now.) Lately, with all this unceasing wedding planning, I’ve been vacillating between excitement, elation, frustration, despair, and yes, anger. I’m angry with myself for not getting married at the government center for $50. I’m angry at myself for caring too much about whether other people will be comfortable. I’m angry about all the crappy wedding shoes out there. I want to be selfish. I want to do whatever I want to do. I want to become a wedding shoe designer. I keep trying to remind myself to keep my eye on the prize – not the wedding, but the marriage itself. The vows, the commitment, the love, the dumb arguments you will have and then immediately forgive. Mostly because you have no choice, but also because you are each other’s best friend.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Radiohead lately, which I find strangely calming. You’d think everything from “Kid A” onward would keep me on edge for hours, but it’s having quite the opposite effect. Maybe it’s because I can’t understand half of what Thom Yorke is saying. I also discovered that there are some musicians out there who covered the entirety of “Kid A” – on strings. I want these guys to play at my wedding. The whole album. I want everyone to sit there in the heat and humidity wearing fancy, constricting clothing and be forced to listen to post-modern dissonance masquerading as popular music. Mostly, I just want everyone to hear this song.

Here’s what the rest of my fantasy wedding looks like:

After dinner, the DJ will play what everyone else wants to hear, which is not what I want to hear, but whatever. I’ll dance to almost anything. About two hours in, when people are feeling a little loosey goosey, instead of bringing back Radiohead – totally inappropriate for a dance party, unless you’re my friend Andrew, who choreographed a really brilliant postmodern dance to a Radiohead song – I’ll have the DJ introduce some Katy Perry and 80s-era Madonna. To wind things down, maybe some Joanna Newsom. She probably sounds really weird after drinking all night, as opposed to just weirdly beautiful. If people need to sober up really quickly, I’ll suggest the jazz orchestra version of “Kid A,” which would wake anyone up with its awfulness, and thusly I will consider the evening a resounding success. I’m not even going to link to the jazz orchestra album. It’s really, really bad, and not in a fun way.

At brunch the next morning, I will still have all of my makeup on because professional makeup jobs are notoriously hard to undo, and I will also wear my wedding dress, because how often do you get to eat scrambled eggs in a floor length gown? I will drink a lot of water like SELF magazine says to do and be a tired, but gracious, newlywed. I will enjoy opening up presents even though inwardly I’ll be thinking, “Ahhh! How are we supposed to get all this stuff home?! We are Toyota drivers! And not the fancy kind of Toyota, the economy kind.” But outwardly I will say, “This is awesome, thank you so much!” and I will mean every word.

I know couples often depart for their honeymoon the Monday immediately following their wedding, but in my head I’m not sure I see this happening. I’m the kind of person who needs a LOT of sleep and when I don’t get it, I crash for a week. So if I’m being realistic, I see myself sleeping for 12 hours and then staring at my new husband’s and my wedding bands for a few hours, then sleeping some more. Maybe I can do all this on a plane to Tahiti. I sure hope so. Those over-water bungalows look really cool. I think Radiohead would sound awesome crashing against the waves.


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