Last weekend, my fiancé and I went to Macy’s to add stuff to our wedding registry. This got me thinking about marriage #1, and the things I learned from our subsequent divorce, which I will now share with you so you don’t repeat them.
1. Do not split up the silverware. Only one of you should get the silverware; otherwise, you’ll end up with 8 teaspoons and one large serving fork, and your vegetarian ex-husband will wind up with all the good steak knives, which is dumb.
2. Fight to keep the good crystal vase. You didn’t register for it, but his aunt gave it to you and it’s timeless, unlike your failed marriage.
3. You can live without a food dehydrator. Don’t fight over it.
4. You will never use your fine china but DO NOT SPLIT IT UP. That shit is expensive.
5. For the first year, I highly advise avoiding dinner parties where your ex-spouse will be in attendance, especially if one of you brought a date and the other did not.
6. After a year or two has passed, it’s okay to be friends again.
7. It’s okay that being friends with your ex-spouse makes you feel grateful that you’re no longer married to them. Not in a vindictive way, but in a “Boy, I’ve sure changed!” kind of way.
8. Don’t share custody of the dog.
9. You will never get your money back.
10. When getting re-married, don’t feel weird about registering. Martha Stewart and The Knot both say that people will still want to get you things, even though ten years have passed and you should have replaced all the things you got in the first round but gave away trying to lose the battle to win the war.
Also – side note – I was wrong. I re-read that wedding etiquette article I wrote about in a previous post. You cannot, in fact, invite people to your shower that you’re not inviting to your wedding. That makes much more sense.